sexinthesticksandstuff

I didn’t discover my ability to orgasm through masturbation until about two years ago. 33 years young!

That might sound surprising, especially because I’m someone who now masturbates and orgasms regularly. But for most of my life, masturbation simply didn’t feel like it was “for me.” I rarely masturbated, and I had never really considered it something I could enjoy or explore for myself. A big part of that goes back to how I was raised. Like many other women’s experiences, I was raised to associate shame with female pleasure. I remember rubbing myself against the arm of the couch and touching myself over my shorts when I was a child and realized it felt good and my mom shoeing her hand at me and telling me to stop. I interpreted that message as touching myself being negative or “wrong.” Rather than talking to me about what I was experiencing and guiding me on an appropriate time and place to self-pleasure.

When you grow up with that messaging, it can be surprisingly difficult to separate your own body and desires from the shame surrounding them.

By my late teens and twenties, I started experimenting with masturbation again, but I found it frustrating. I could feel pleasure, but not in the way other people described it. I would try different things, but nothing consistently worked. Interestingly, most of my attempts focused on trying to recreate penetration rather than figuring out what my body actually responded to. I would use my fingers or toys internally, assuming that was what I was “supposed” to be doing.

In the past, when I did orgasm, which wasn’t often, it was usually with a partner—often because they were particularly skilled at fingering, or occasionally through penetrative sex when I was extremely aroused.

There is extensive research documenting an orgasm gap in heterosexual partnered sex, with women reporting orgasms less frequently than men. There are many factors involved, including differences in sexual practices, communication, expectations, and the prioritization of women’s pleasure. More on that another time!

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that my brain is a huge part of my sexuality. A lot of my pleasure stems from imagination, fantasy, and the arousal of a partner. My fantasies can take me far. One time, I was so aroused by a fantasy while working out on an elliptical that I actually orgasmed. Luckily, no one else was around in the tiny hotel fitness center. LOL. I’ve also incorporated lesbian pornography into my repertoire. Sometimes even the sounds of a woman being pleasured are enough to turn me on.

For me, sexuality has always been about much more than a particular physical technique. My mind, emotions, anticipation, fantasy, and connection with another person can all play a role.

Now enter the vibrator! Ironically, my ex-husband was the person who bought me the vibrator that changed everything for me. This is especially ironic considering how sexually unsatisfied I was in our relationship.

Instead of assuming there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t orgasm easily through masturbation, I started experimenting. I paid attention to sensation. I learned what kinds of stimulation worked for me and what didn’t. Learning how to pleasure myself has been a complete game changer for my sexual satisfaction. I now masturbate and orgasm regularly—often four or five times a week.

Learning how to orgasm by myself has also changed sex with partners. Before I started using a vibrator, I rarely orgasmed during partnered sex. Now, when I’m having partnered sex, combining penetration with a vibrator frequently allows me to orgasm. And there’s something incredibly empowering about knowing what works for your own body. I don’t have to rely entirely on another person to figure it out for me.

I’ve also been experimenting with different ways of incorporating masturbation into sexual experiences—things like parallel masturbation, being watched while I masturbate, and phone sex while masturbating. There are so many different ways to play!

I didn’t suddenly become sexually liberated at a particular age. Nor do I consider myself sexually liberated now.

But, I’m learning slowly. I’m experimenting. Paying attention. Getting curious. And most importantly, I’m no longer treating my body like something I was supposed to already understand. Sometimes sexual empowerment isn’t about becoming more sexually adventurous. Sometimes it’s simply becoming curious about your own body without judging what you discover.

For me, learning to pleasure myself wasn’t just about learning how to orgasm. It was about learning that my pleasure mattered. And so does yours!