This past weekend I went to my friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding at this cute little rural farm. My friend has been with her now husband for 10 years. They met working at the movie theater we all worked at in high school. But this isn’t the love story that got me in my feels sobbing on my drive home. A couple were summoned to the dance floor in celebration of their 45th wedding anniversary. 45 years! I watched this couple move around the dance floor and I started to weep. While there were feelings of joy for the couple, I was overwhelmed by feelings of loss and grief. Grieving the idea that I might someday be called to the dance floor to celebrate 45 years of matrimony. Being recently divorced, recently out of another short relationship (possibly situationship?), I wondered if I would ever even want to be married again or find a lasting romantic love. I was faced with the harsh reality that all the messages I had internalized about what it means to be happy, fulfilled, and loved contrasted with my present reality.
I, like so many other people socialized as a woman, are socially conditioned to prioritize marriage and motherhood as primary sources of fulfillment and satisfaction. After I wiped my eyes and the boogers running down my face, I started to think more about the love we prioritize and celebrate in our society. Narrow views of love. Love that’s not inclusive of everyone and all identities. I immediately countered my intrusive thoughts about what it must mean about me to not be in a relationship, married, with kids. Most of the narratives we are fed and internalize are deeply rooted in greater systems such as patriarchy, white supremacy, organized religion, and capitalism. I have a very fulfilled life with my friends and family, hobbies, and professionally. There is little I would change about the life I am living. In fact, I am very lucky to be rich in love from the people in my life. I have close friendships that have lasted 10, 15, 20 years. My mom is my best friend, and my dad was before he passed. I’ve had many experiences of love (and lovers). Why aren’t we celebrating those relationships on the dance floor?
Now don’t get it twisted, there is nothing wrong with getting married and building a family. But the union and the families don’t have to look like the prescribed version we have been told they need to be. I crave more than anything in the world to love and be loved. I long for someone to see me, chose me, and love me every day. A struggle of mine is releasing this idea that it has to be a single person, and that person has to be a romantic partner. I still find myself clinging to this idea and fantasy of this single person monogamous relationship. This part of my life is designed for trying different fits on in search of the big love (or loves)…
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